The Whitebeard Adverts
by Nurofen
Summary: A series of little drabbles/parodies based around the Whitebeard pirates doing TV adverts to fill their failing funds. Lots and lots of crack and craziness.
1. Failing Funds

**This is going to be a series of one shots which center around the whitebeard pirates doing adverts. It'll be pure head cannon craziness, so I apologize for and OOCness.**

**Disclamer: I don't own one piece damnit! Roger does!**

* * *

"Gurararararara" Whitebeard's booming laugh rolled around the Moby Dick as he gave the sixteen commanders their briefing. "Now then, my sons, I'm sure you've noticed our general lack of funds recently due to certain, unavoidable circumstances."

Thatch coughed into his hand some thing that sounded remarkably like "feeding Ace's bottomless pit."

"Thatch."

"Sorry! But it's true!" Thatch squeaked.

"Anyway. I've been approached by some big brand names, offering large sums of money in exchange for staring in their adverts." There were several Oooh's and Aaah's. "And I've decided to accept because of our financial crisis. I expect you all to feature in at least one of the adverts." The commanders nodded as one, eager to take on the new challenge. "Gurarararara! Have fun my sons!"

* * *

**This is going to be so much fun. *Laughs evilly* Now to start the ****_fun_****!**


	2. Old Spice

**Vista, Jozu and Whitebeard.  
"Old Spice Mustache Wax"**

* * *

"Hello Ladies!  
Look at your man,  
Now back to me,  
Now back at your man,  
Now back to me.  
Sadly, he isn't me.  
But he could at least have awesome facial hair like me if he stopped using ladies scented hair gel and switched to Old Spice Mustache Wax.

Look down, Look up.  
Where are you?  
You're on a boat with the man your man could have a mustache like.

What's beside you?  
Now back to me.  
I have it. It's the 3rd division commander.  
Look again. Jozu is now diamonds!  
Anything is possible when your man smells like Old Spice and not a lady.  
I'm on a horse."

Vista held his smile until the camera stopped rolling, before falling off the horse. He blew a stray lock of hair out of eyes and looked at Whitebeard, who came to stand beside him.

"How'd I do?"

Whitebeard barely suppressed a chuckle before replying. "It was fine, don't worry."

"Good. Because I'm **_NEVER_** doing that again." Vista let his head fall to the floor with a relieved sigh.

* * *

**Because who ****_wouldn't_**** want a piece of that 'tache.**


	3. Lynx Firestarter

**Ace and Thatch  
Lynx "Firestarter"**

* * *

Currently, a small group of slightly charred Marines are chasing down one shirtless pirate. Swinging their swords above their head with no skill at all and shooting far above the pirate's head, they are shouting that they will bring him to justice. Slightly behind the marines are girls. Starting as just the one and reaching a crescendo of several hundred, they are screaming out his name in a glass shattering octave "ACE~~"

The pirate, now identified as 'Fire Fist' Portgas. , looks thoroughly annoyed with his 'haters and admirers'. "LEAVE ME ALONE! I JUST WANT TO EAT!" He yells whilst running. He pulls out a can of LYNX body spray and scowls at it before throwing it over his shoulder. "THIS WASN'T PART OF THE PLAN!"

_Earlier_

Ace and Thatch were standing in the deodorant isle of the supermarket, holding several cans of the antiperspirant. "So... Which one should we get?" Ace turned towards Thatch, dropping a can in the process.

"How about that one?" The two of them began carefully placed the cans they were holding back onto the shelf. Ace picked up the fallen can, turning it to read the label.

"Lynx Firestarter... Sounds like fun!" Ace grinned, turning to face Thatch. "Shall we test it out?"

Thatch carried on replacing the fallen cans, oblivious to the demonic aura surrounding Ace. "Sure. Whatever. Just don't spray it in my eyes."

Ace pushed the button on the top of the can and sprayed both of his armpits. "Hmm. that smells quite nice."

Thatch turned around and his expression went through curious, shocked and then into full blown amusement. "Pfffft! Ace! Dude!" He fell into a fit of giggles, before managing to catch a breath "look behind you!" Ace turned and saw a towering, soot stained Marine standing behind him.

"Oh shit." Ace bolted and the Marine went chasing after him, ignoring Thatch who was in stitches on the floor. As he ran out of the store, he ran past a group of women... Who also started chasing after him, but for completely different reasons.

**LYNX. START A FIRE IN THE HEART.**

* * *

**To all you Americans and whatnot, Lynx is Axe. Apparently. I don't know. I'm tired. I need to sleeeeep~ Let me sleep bunny!**

**Well, I'm sorry this isn't a proper advert thing, but I got stuck. Pssshht *Throws it into the fic pile***

**Oh, and I have a list of adverts I'm going to do, but any suggestions you might have would be more than welcome!**

**Thank you to all of my readers and reviewers for the last chapter! Byesey-byes!**


	4. Prelude to Disaster

Have you ever heard of 'The calm before the storm'? Yes? People tend to say it is unnaturally silent, with everybody on edge to some degree or another. The calm before this storm was quite unlike any other. Rather than the air being thick with a heavy silence, it was filled with rather girlish laughter that did **_NOT_** belong on any pirate ship. Least of all the ship of the great Whitebeard.

The laughter unnerved the crew, and they spent many hours trying to identify the source. They looked in crates and barrels, in all of the bunk rooms and even under Whitebeard's chair. But no matter where they looked, no matter how hard they tried, they couldn't find the culprit.

Afore mentioned culprit was actually a_ pair _of culprits. Said miscreants were none other than the commanders of the fourth and second divisions, and we all know that nothing good will **_EVER_** come out of those two laughing together in attempted secrecy. They schemed in corners, behind closed doors and even in the walls. They grinned at each other whenever they passed on deck, and the crew members that saw them were chilled to the bone by the mischievous glint in their eyes.

The crew of the Moby dick had no option but to wait and see what would come of the strange chuckling that pervaded every orifice of the whale ship. _Really._ They thought. _What is the worst that could come of it?_

They had no clue of what awaited Marco and Fossa as they made their way towards the studios for the Advert they were to take part in.

This became known as 'The laughter that heralded the beginning of the end of all the Whitebeard pirates corporate ventures'.

* * *

**I should really be doing some revision for my exams. But, well, plot bunnies and procrastination!**

**This is just a set up for the rest of the adverts... because I got stuck and couldn't come up with anything for the adverts.** **I mean, I have a list of products that would work well for commander(s), But I can't seem to come up with anything good for them.**

**Also, who would like me to post my OC story? It has exploding marine bases.**

**Thank you to all of my readers and reviewers for the last chapter! Byesey-byes!**


	5. The Colour of Friendship

To say that Marco and Fossa where nervous about going on set was an understatement. There was rapid looking side to side, shifting in their seats, toe tapping and sweating through their shirts (A shirt which Marco was dangerously close to forgoing altogether)

The cause of their discomfort was The Laughter, which had followed them from the Moby Dick, all the way to the studio. Finally they were called upon to start recording and they reluctantly made their way towards the set. Marco was beginning to really wish he'd ditched the shirt earlier.

They shuffled towards the crosses marked on the set floor and looked around nervously. The Laughter hushed and the director raised an eyebrow when their furtive glances only increased in number. The portly man jumped down from his seat and walked over to the two.

"Look, I need you two to take off your shirts and stand a little closer to the sinks. This is going to be a commercial for some hair regrowth formula." The man turned and pointed at the screen atop the camera. "Can you guys read that? Good. Your words will appear there. Good luck."

They exchanged a glance before slowly taking off their shirts.

"Let's get this over with." Fossa muttered to Marco. "I don't think I can deal with this tension any longer."

Marco rolled his shoulders and clicked his head from side to side. "I agree. Let's get this over with."

The director sat in his seat, a deep scowl etched into his brow. "Alright. Let's get this circus over with. _**ACTION!**_"

Marco and Fossa put on their best smiles (trying not to look too creepy whilst doing so) and stood strong.

Marco was first. He swallowed before speaking "As you age, it's natural for you to start loosing your hair."

Fossa picked up the bottle next to him and held it up to the camera on his left. "But with new Regaine fast action hair regrowth foam, you can be back at you A-Game in under two weeks."

They both poured the foam onto their hair and worked it in a little. "Don't let hair loss ruin your day."

"_**CUT!**_" They breathed a sigh of relief and washed their hair in the sink. Once they were done, however, The Laughter returned. A cold shudder ran down Marco's spine and Fossa broke into a cold sweat. They looked at each other... And screamed like little girls.

Marco's blond tussock had been dyed black and Fossa's plait had been turned bright green.

A flood of swear words that any good pirate would be proud of flowed forth from their lips and they stormed out of the studio, not sparing the set a backwards glance.

By doing so, they didn't see the culprits rolling about on the floor clutching their stomachs and howling with laughter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
**Alright, Sorry about the absence guys! Life happened, I had major spinal surgery fusing my vertebrae from T3 to L1. But, I delivered eventually. And I might be back with more soon... Might. Not making any promises there though.**


End file.
